Ok so for the last few years I’ve been very up and down emotionally and I’m not really sure why; I find it difficult to genuinely like what I see in the mirror each morning and feel like my sense of self and what works for me has, sort of, faded in this time. I’m in a complete fashion rut and have no idea what suits my shape and figure. Oh don’t get me wrong I know what I like but when I try it on it usually is nothing like how I imaged it would look on me and my body, and as a result the self-loathing surfaces and I hate what I see.
I know this is seen as ‘normal behaviour’ for women but I’m annoyed because it’s not normal for me. When I was a teenager all my girlfriends would complain about their bodies and moan about how ugly and fat they were, when we all know they were stunning and beautiful, whereas I’ve always been a very confident individual and although I had my bad days I was generally very happy with my body and kinda thought it rocked. Then I hit 22 and it was as if someone put a curse on me because overnight my attitude changed and I found myself noticing flaws I’d never seen before; some cellulite on the back of my thighs, the beginnings of a pot belly, upper arms that suddenly appeared, and I hate to say this, fat! What the hell was going on? My only logical explanation is that my body, which was always so slim no matter how much food I ate, was changing and becoming womanly, and these curves I yearned for as an 18/19 year old were suddenly my worst enemy.
Now I know I’m not ‘fat’ by any stretch of the imagination, I’ve always been a healthy size 10 (ish) when I was 18 and a complete gym bunny I was more of an 8/10 and I loved it! I was so happy in my skin and I loved my figure so much I would happily show it off in my favourite LBD or a new bikini for the Summer holiday. These days I’m more of a size 12 who tries to kid herself she can still squeeze into a size 10, and let me reiterate that I know I’m not ‘fat’ or obese, but I’m not happy in myself. And so what do I do when I’m not happy? well like any other woman I eat, although in all honesty that’s a terrible excuse for me because I eat and eat and eat all the time no matter how I’m feeling because I do love my food! Then when I start eating I generally stop exercising because I can’t be bothered or because I ‘have something more important to do’ yeah right! So I have literally become a couch potato eating the worst diet ever, and then on Friday as I was getting ready for work I caught a glimpse of my thighs and to my horror I saw the worst amount of cellulite I’ve ever seen on myself, and so my day was rubbish before it had really even started.
“I guess I find myself thinking of being 18 because that was when I was at my happiest and I really do want to be that happy again”
Luckily I have an amazing friend who I also work with and we were due to go out on Friday night, and I was thinking of every excuse under the sun not to go out but she helped me find a new top to wear (which by the way was my first ‘L’ purchase and I nearly cried, since when was a size 12 considered Large?!?!?!). Anyway we went out that night and had a laugh and she made me feel tonnes better, and then this morning when I woke up the sun was shining into my bedroom (because I have to sleep with the window and curtains open) and even though my head was a little foggy I did feel more positive and decided the only way I will get to being as happy as my 18 year old self is if I work for it. Gone are the days when I could eat my own weight in food and not feel the effects, gone are the days when ‘all you can eat’ buffets were a challenge to see just how much I scoff because now my body is saying ‘stop eating crap, and get some exercise you lazy arse!’ I don’t do diets because the minute I tell myself I cant have something I crave it. For example, I decided to go veggie but then I started craving burgers and bacon and haggis – oh how I love haggis, so of course I slipped up, plus I love fish so I really can’t give that up, I live on the stuff!
So tonight I’m drawing up a ‘healthy eating plan’ and because I’m no longer a gym bunny (man they bore me now!) I’m going to try again with the running, because it’s free, and actually when I’m doing it I do enjoy it, and I’ve never come home after a run and though ‘well that was a waste of time’ it always clears my head. I need to have a positive body image and the only way I can do that is by treating it in a positive way. I’ve always been a healthy eater but this last year or two I’ve really let my body down in terms of how I look after it. So body, I’m sorry for hurting you with all the rubbish sweets, chocolate and crisps, from now on I promise to try harder to look after you better and fill you with good things like veg and fruit and water, lots of water. But if I do have a bad day please don’t be mad at me because I will pick myself up and try again because I need to be happy and I need to learn to love you the way I used to, so that each morning when I wake up and look at you I think ‘yeah, you rock’.
Once I’ve devised my plan, the inspiration from which will be taken from a couple of fitness magazine books, along with a few meal plans, ideas and tips, I will pop it up on here for you to see, and you can let me know what you of it if you like. If you’re a health nut or a health expert and have some tips for me please feel free to send them my way because quite frankly I need all the help I can get right now!